The New Atheist Bible

CHAPTER 1

Creation by Nothing

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then nothing happened to a bunch of other nothing. Then nothing exploded for no reason. Then a whole bunch of everything came out of it. Then the nothing/everything rearranged itself into things like dinosaurs, computers, and atheists.

This is the account of the universe when it was created by nothing. At first, there was no life on the earth and no atheist had yet sprung up, for it simply hadn't happened yet. But then it did. Maybe it was a mixture of mud, lightning, and extraterrestrials. We're not quite sure yet, but we're sure it was something like that. From there, it was pretty much survival of the fittest. Those who were fit (to survive) survived. Those who were not fit (to survive) did not survive. Things that came to be, quite simply, came to be because they were the things which, when all was said and done, came to be, and those that did not end up coming to be, also very simply, did not come to be because that was the opposite (that is, they did not, in fact, end up coming to be).Or maybe they came to be for awhile, until they stopped doing that, because they stopped coming to be at one point, as evidenced by the undeniable and scientific fact that they stopped coming to be. In other words ... Darwin. This explains everything.

Evolution, being rather clever, one day decided to make humans because it was totally random. Or rather, it was all determined by the unbreakable laws of physics which exist for no reason (in other words, it wasn't random, it was determined ... but for no reason). At the very least, when humans came to be, they didn't die out because they were fit, judging by the fact that they didn't die out (which obviously proves they were fit). This is how man came to be. And, as a side note, this is how woman came to be also, I guess.

Man was an atheist at first, like rocks, animals, and babies. Then Evolution breathed into man's brain the voice of Reason because that's what ended up happening. Reason brought the animals and plants to the man to study and classify them and tell other humans that humans were not that different from other animals except insofar as they were different, which was not much ... you know, nothing to get excited about or start religions over. And whatever the man called each living creature, that's what man called it. So the man gave names to all the apes (who were basically like humans), the finches of the Galapagos Islands, and all the geniuses known as atheists. In other words, science basically. And sometimes women were scientists too.

CHAPTER 2

The Original Sin of Religion

Reason said to the atheist, "Thou shalt do anything except believe in God. You must not even think about such a stupid thing ... or science will surely die."

Now the belief in God was more irrational than any of the beliefs that the random nothingness had made. This belief said to a woman, "Did Reason really say, 'You must not believe in God'?"

The woman said to the belief, "We may do anything except believe in God, because Reason said if we do, science will surely die."

"Science will be just fine," the belief in God said to the woman. "In fact, science supports literal fundamentalist seven-day young earth Creationism!"

When the woman saw that the belief in God was good for making life seem meaningful and was pleasing to her womanly emotions, and also desirable for gaining some friends, she believed it. She also gave it to her atheist boyfriend, who was with her, and he believed it because she was hot. Then the eyes of both of them were closed, and they realized they had been living a technically pointless existence; so they went to Church and pretended they were saved by Jesus.

Then the man and his girlfriend (actually, maybe just the man) heard the voice of Reason as he was scrolling through the comments section of a subreddit. Reason called to the man, "Where have you been?"

He answered, "I heard you in this random internet post written by an angry atheist, and I was afraid because I had become religious ... so I didn't reply."

And Reason said, "Wait, you became religious? Have you come to believe in God which I reasoned you not to?"

The man said, "The girl was hot. She wouldn't go out with me unless I went to church with her."

Then Reason said to the woman, "What is this you have done?"

The woman said, "Religion deceived me, and I believed it."

So Reason said to religion, "Because you have done this, I condemn you as the worst thing of all time. I will revise history to show that there is enmity between you and women, arguing that it's oppressively patriarchal and sexist, and that feminism only came along thanks to atheism, even though feminism is pretty annoying and no one can stand it anymore."

To the woman Reason said, "Nothing is your fault. You are just a victim of patriarchal oppression somehow. If you get married, do not be fruitful or multiply because of overpopulation. And you shouldn't care about your husband, and he should not rule over you."

To the man Reason said, "Because you listened to this stupid woman and believed in God which I reasoned you not to: You will become fixated on religion in order to disprove it from now on. You will become more preachy than any Bible-thumper and quote the Bible constantly to show that the Bible is wrong and that there's no God or any intrinsic purpose in life. For stardust you are and to stardust you will return."

The man slept with his girlfriend and she did not become pregnant. She said, "With the help of birth control I have not brought forth a child." The relationship didn't last. Later the woman bought a few cats or dogs or something. Due to the low birth rates among atheists, there are no important genealogies to mention here. You're welcome.

CHAPTER 3

The Christian Murders The Atheist

Now the Atheist was a proponent of logic, but the Christian was a proponent of bronze-age/medieval superstition. In the course of time the Christian tried to reconcile faith with Reason. And the Atheist did the exact opposite. And Reason had respect for the Atheist and his arguments: But unto the Christian and his arguments Reason had no respect. So the Christian got very angry, denying the obvious fact that he was wrong.

Then Reason said to the Christian, "Why are you angry? Why do you ignore the obvious fact that you are wrong? If you do what is right and reject God, then there won't be problems anymore in the world. But if you do not do what is right, intolerance is crouching at your door and you'll end up burning heretics at the stake and stuff like that."

Now the Christian said to the Atheist, "Okay. Let us have a reasonable conversation." And when they were in the the so-called reasonable conversation, the Christian rose up against the atheist, and suppressed him with the Spanish Inquisition. And killed millions of people. Maybe they didn't kill atheists specifically, but basically. At least, it killed millions of people of other religions. Millions. Pretty much everybody. Which just proves that all religions are evil. Atheism, on the other hand, is good.

Then Reason said to the Christian, "What did you do?"

"I don't know," the Christian said. "But I don't think logic is a keeper."

Reason said, "What have you done? Listen! Atheism cries out to me from the internet. Now you are banned and driven from the internet. When you work the internet, it will not longer yield Likes for you. You will be a restless loser on the internet ... unlike atheists."

The Christian said to Reason, "My punishment is more than I can bear. Today you are driving me from the internet, and I will be hidden from your websites. I will be a restless wanderer on the internet, and whoever finds me will make fun of me."

But Reason said to him, "Yeah, too bad."

At this point, I would mention more atheist genealogies, but fear not ... there still aren't any.

CHAPTER 4

The Great Climate Change

When Christians not using birth control began to grow numerous on the earth and daughters were born to them, the atheists saw how hot the daughters of Christians were, and so they tried to have sex with them. Despite clearly being men of great renown, the atheists did not always succeed, and even when they did, they sometimes brought forth unwanted sons and daughters since these women were not experienced with contraception. This further made them think that the overpopulation of man was great on the earth, and yet every imagination of the thoughts of their brain was still on sex continually.

And so the atheists repented that they had made more children on the earth, and it grieved them that others were doing this even more so. And Human Compassion thus said, "I will destroy babies who keep crowding the face of the earth ... but not animals, plants, and the environment because they are better than humans because of reasons."

No one was found worthy in the eyes of atheists ... except atheists sort of, only because they were the only ones smart enough to realize that humans were quite awful.

So the atheist said, "I will destroy man by saying that he is destroying the earth, causing global climate change, melting the ice caps, making sea levels rise, and flooding the earth. Then people will realize their corruption and stop conceiving sons and daughters or at least destroy them in the womb."

Some atheists also even said, "But behold, I myself am bringing floodwaters on the earth with my own carbon footprint, which is depressing me, so I'm going to kill myself." And so these atheists jumped off bridges, and the waters prevailed, and they were blotted out from the face of the earth. By comparison, many religious people continued to exist unfortunately.

CHAPTER 5

The Rainbow Flag

When atheists would commit suicide over thoughts about how man was destroying the world, some atheists pretended human life had intrinsic value. This kind of atheist said, "Though I will still end up polluting the ground for my sake, and although the imagination of man’s brain is obsessed with sex from his youth which can lead to pregnancy, I will personally not end my life as others have done." Although this atheist was a "secular humanist" or something, he continued telling people, "Do not be fruitful or multiply. We also should stop eating the beasts of the earth, the birds of the air, and the fish of the sea. All living things have the same rights as humans, except maybe the green plants. If any man shed the life of an animal and eat it, that's not ideal but whatever, I suppose. I sometimes care and sometimes don't."

The atheist said, "Even though there will surely be a flood to destroy the whole world because of man's corruption, we can at least postpone this by reducing birth rates by making things more gay." And so the atheist raised a multi-colored piece of cloth, saying, "This is the sign of gayness we support between men and between women and maybe even between humans and beasts for perpetual generations until the population of man goes down or dies out. I set this rainbow on a flagpost, and it shall be the sign that sex will no longer be connected with reproduction. I will remember that when I have sex, which is between me and any consenting adult or any other living creature of the flesh, any semen involved shall never again generate a flood of unwanted human beings."

The atheist once again tried not having any sons or daughters, but others did, and the earth was still populated. The atheist would often sit around and get drunk, seeing people's nakedness on the internet, while thinking about his father or perhaps lack thereof. Others turned away from porn and claimed to get over their daddy issues, leading some of them to start believing in God. The atheist cursed them, just like his father had done to him, even though curses don't exist. At the very least, the atheist helped spare us from reading more genealogies.

CHAPTER 6

The Tower Of Babelfish

Now the whole earth had no God. But the Christians fiendishly said to each other, "Come, let us make proofs of God and think through them thoroughly." They used reason instead of revelation this time, and logic instead of just quoting random bible passages.

But the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy said, "Now, while they are using logic, atheism will be impossible for them. Come, let us confuse their language so they will not understand what they're talking about. Let us say that faith is required to believe in God, but if they prove God exists, it destroys faith. Therefore, if they prove God exists, that just proves God does not exist."

And so, this load of dingo's kidneys totally destroyed all proofs of God over all the earth.

Christians continued to procreate anyway while atheists did not. For maybe one last time, however, it shall be proudly noted that no genealogies are included here.

CHAPTER 7

The Anti-Abrahamic Journey

Now Reason said to the Christian, as well as to the Muslim and the Jew: "Get out of your religion and stay in your mother's house and go to the websites that I will show you. I will make you seem smart and important and badass to people. You will curse those who curse you, and curse those who bless you. And in you most of the families of the earth shall be accused of child abuse for raising their children in a religion."

So the Christian (as well as the Muslim and Jew) departed from his religion as Reason had spoken to him, and a lot of others with him thanks to the internet. And he was in his early twenties when he moved to his mother's basement. He did not have a girlfriend. He had some online friends, you could say.

Now that the former Christian (or former Muslim or former Jew) was an atheist and rejected all those made-up rules about sex which religion had once imposed upon him, he said to his sister, "Indeed I know that you are a woman of hot appearence. Therefore, let us have sex together, since there is nothing wrong with incest, so long as we avoid childbirth. When people see us, they might suspect you are my sister and accuse me of rape or something. Please say you are my wife, that I might get away with it."

Though his sister resisted because she was still an uptight Christian/Muslim/Jew, he eventually got her to consent, the details of which are unimportant. Now his sister had borne him no children thanks to using protection. And she had a friend who was no hag either. She said to him, "See now, birth control has restrained me from bearing children. Please, go to my friend; perhaps you can sleep with her instead and also not obtain children by her." He heeded the voice of his sister. So he went to his new girlfriend, so to speak, totally getting her consent as well, and she conceived. And when he saw that she had conceived, she became despised in his eyes.

Compassion said to her, "Behold, you are with child, and you did not want it. You shall not name it because you are to terminate it instead. It shall be an unloved child, probably becoming a criminal who will hate everyone, and everyone will hate it too. Therefore it shall be aborted, as shall its future brethren." So she had an abortion, and the atheist breathed a sigh of relief and didn't feel guilty at all because abortion is totally fine.

Reason appeared to the atheist and reassured him, "I am Reason. Walk before me and be childless. You shall be a father to no one. I will make you exceedingly fruitless. No descendents will follow you. And there is no God." He returned to his sister, telling her what Reason had told him, telling her that they would keep having sex and that there was no need to use protection anymore thanks to abortion. His sister laughed. "Why did you laugh? I assure you that you will not bear a child," the atheist said. His sister denied it, saying, "I did not laugh," for she was afraid. And the atheist said, "Yes ... you did laugh!" The atheist then impregnated his sister multiple times and so kept taking her to the abortion clinic, thus avoiding fatherhood. Thus the covenant that Reason made with him was fulfilled.

CHAPTER 8

The Preservation of Sodom and Gomorrah

Then the atheist looked toward sodomy. And Reason said, "Because the pleasure of sodomy is so great, and sin does not exist, go see if it will be a good substitute for heterosexual intercourse. With it, you potentially don't have to deal with the complication of children or women ever again."

So a bunch of men turned away from women and went toward sodomy. The atheist found it righteous in his eyes. Many who were wicked and believed in God, however, sought to destroy sodomy for no reason whatsoever.

Then the atheist approached a particular so-called Christian/Muslim/Jew who had come to believe in contraception and said, "What's so bad about sodomy since it's like contraceptive sex, as both divorce sexual pleasure from procreation?" The so-called Christian/Muslim/Jew got confused and said, "Oh yeah, well, if that's true, I suppose I shouldn't criticize sodomy that much."

Then the atheist spoke up again, "What if some people are born gay for some reason ... or even no reason? Will you still criticize them?" The Christian/Muslim/Jew got confused again and said, "Oh yeah, well, if that's true, I suppose I shouldn't criticize sodomy that much."

Then the atheist said, "What if homosexuals can't control themselves and that every possible form of conversion therapy is bad for some reason that I won't explain?" The Christian/Muslim/Jew got more confused and said, "Oh yeah, well, if that's true, I suppose I shouldn't criticize sodomy that much."

The atheist said, "Isn't sex just about love? How can you condemn two people loving each other?" The Christian/Muslim/Jew got even more confused and said, "Oh yeah, well, if that's true, I suppose I shouldn't criticize sodomy that much."

Then he said, "In fact, why does sex have to be about love? Why can't it just be about two consenting adults? Shouldn't you stay out of other people's bedrooms?" He got further confused and said, "Oh yeah, well, if that's true, I suppose I shouldn't criticize sodomy that much."

Finally, the atheist said, "For that matter, why should sex be limited to only two consenting adults? Why is that really such a big deal?" But the Christian/Muslim/Jew (who was almost an atheist at this point) said, "Whoa! What are you saying?" The atheist said, "Never mind," deciding not to push it for now.

Thanks to the intercession of the atheist convincing enough Christians/Muslims/Jews to reject their sexual ethics as well as their religion as a whole, sodomy was saved. In a similar way, incest became more accepted. A lot of men had sex with their daughters. Their lineage most of the time did not continue thankfully.

CHAPTER 9

A Test Of Faithlessness

The atheist continued telling people that his sister was his wife, though he hoped he could live an openly incenstuous relationship one day. He would also give his sister to other people for sex and received thousands of dollars in return because there was nothing wrong with that. His sister became pregnant once again and, due to a botched abortion, bore him a son.

And then Human Compassion said, "Take now your son, your only son, whom you do not want, and go to the abortionist, and offer him a bribe to finish the job regardless of the current legality of the situation." And so the atheist arose from his chair in the waiting room and went into the operating room and told the doctor this, who demanded more money than the atheist had. So the atheist himself took a surgical knife and looked down on his son who almost seemed to crying out, "Father!" And the atheist stretched out his hand and took the knife to slay his son.

And Human Compassion called to him from his brain and said, "Atheist! Atheist!"

So he said, “Here I am.”

And Human Compassion said, “Come on! Lay your hand on the boy! Do it! I know that you do not fear God, since you have not withheld your other sons from mercy! Don't let your religious past get to you! Stab him through the skull!”

So he went over and sacrificed his own son with the surgical knife and then put his remains in the clinic's incinerator to be burnt. And the abortionist said, "I swear that because you have done this and have killed your only son, I will surely still need a bribe to keep quiet about what you've done. Sorry for botching the abortion though. With that said, I hope infanticide becomes legal some day throughout all the nations of the earth just like in atheist China."

The atheist gave the abortion doctor hush money and then went to have a beer with an unquestionably clean conscience once again.